Fear Factor: LEP edition
by Amy Shadows
Summary: A fun spoof of the popular TV show Fear Factor. It is given a PG 13 rating because I'm not sure what I'm going to have the characters do, but trust me, it will be Fear Factor-ish. The final chapter is now up. Be sure to look for Fear Factor: LEP edition
1. The Opening

I don't own Artemis Fowl, Fear Factor or any other reference in this. Please read and review. No flames, remember, this isn't that funny now because it's just getting started. It was kind of rushed, I promise, the next chapters in here will be better!

Fear Factor, LEPrecon Style  
  
As the camera panned across the strange group of easily recognized people many different attitudes were easily picked out. The six contestants stood with there backs to each other and with stern expressions.  
  
In the front of the group was Holly Short, one of the LEP's only girl officers. She was definitely the toughest out of the strange group, and probably the most determined.  
  
"I entered this contest to prove my skills and prove that I am fearless. I can beat any of them without even having to try. I've seen them at work, and I know one thing from it. This is my contest." It shows her face as the silent monologue is spoken. Slowly the camera pans to the next in line.  
  
It's Juliet Butler. She didn't look dangerous, but anyone who knew her would definitely beg to differ. Juliet flipped a strand of blonde hair over her shoulder and gave the camera a playful stare.  
  
"I entered this contest as a dare. I already know that I'm the toughest out of all of these losers. If I can take Butler down I can surely take down a couple of puny fairies. This is all a matter of playing the game, not only with strength, but with my mind." As the camera shows the blonde girl it is quite obvious that her mind isn't something she would be too great at using.  
  
The next in line is a face that is a little bit more dangerous. Opal Koboi. She had recently been released from the LEP penitentiary and was ready to prove to the world what she could do.  
  
"I entered this contest as a way to get closer to my enemies. These people are responsible for my downfall and I am prepared to do everything in my power to climb back up that ladder of greatness, no matter what I have to do to get there." As if to emphasize her point Opal glares at the camera.  
  
After her starts the line of male competitors. At the front is the ghostly boy Artemis Fowl who is only about 15 in age. He looks almost vampire-like as he stares coldly at the camera.  
  
"I don't know why I'm in this competition. All I know is that one minute I'm happily sleeping and dreaming about world conquest, the next thing I know I'm here getting ready to do God knows what." The look on the boys face is not one of happiness or excitement, but what else could one expect from him.  
  
Behind him is a towering man, almost giant in stature. He is completely bald and appears older than he actually is.  
  
"I'm here to prove that although I appear to be old, I can still do everything I used to do. Also I'm here protecting the principal. It is against my laws to leave his side." The man gives the camera a cold look as if searching for some reason to destroy it before it pans to the last in line, Chix Verbil.  
  
"I'm just here to win over the heart of the woman of my dreams. Holly, if you're listening, please come back to me my dear, there is enough Chix for everyone!" Chix gives the camera a little nod and goes back to his original stance.  
  
From the middle of the two groups comes a creature that is half man and half horse, Foaly the centaur.  
  
"Welcome to our newest edition of Fear Factor. I'm your host Foaly and I want to warn you all against repeating stunts used on our show. Now let's get it started."

(Well, there's the opening! What will happen? Who will be victorious? When will I learn to spell victorious? Find out in the next installment of Fear Factor, LEP edition!)


	2. The First Stunt

I don't own Artemis Fowl or Fear Factor. Read, Review, NO FLAMES PLEASE!!!

The First Stunt

The six stood in the wind blown scene, it was something that made for an interesting artistic shot, but it was also completely fake. The camera wouldn't do any close ups of any person due to the severe eye dry outs. Holly was blinking faster than usual and Artemis had to wipe his eyes repeatedly.

"Well competitors," Foaly said as he walked over to the front of the large group. "As you can see I've gathered all of you out in a very secluded area here for two reasons. The first being that you are here so we aren't spotted, the second being that our stunt is going to take place here."

"And why do you have a fan blowing our eyes out?" Juliet asked. The camera quickly planned over to the centaur and showed him giving the girl the evil eye.

"What fan? That is the wind."

"No, I see a fan," Artemis said, thoroughly enjoying watching the centaur struggle. "There's one over there, there, and there."

Foaly could feel his eye twitching as he looked back and forth between the six. He had his hand rested on a holster around his waist to show them the gun he was carrying. They shut up pretty fast.

"Now, let's not waste any more time than we have with that ridiculous nonsense about the fan and get on with the task," Foaly swept his arm behind himself and showed them all a giant man-made pool of a strange greenish liquid. Flying over the pool was a LEP shuttle being flown by a strange looking dwarf. Almost simultaneously everyone gave a terrified gulp. "I bet you're all wondering what you have to do." Foaly said menacingly.

"I bet we all already have a pretty good idea," Holly commented. Foaly shot the girl a look and she shut her mouth. Foaly glared at each person as if saying _Just try…just try and push me_.

"You are going to be hanging from the edge of the shuttle and you have to go all the way around gathering flags. While you are doing this the shuttle pilot will be drinking gallons upon gallons of Mud Men's favorite drink, alcohol." At the mention of this Artemis, Butler, and Juliet all dropped there mouths. The other three were completely unphased, it was pretty obvious that they didn't have any idea what "alcohol" really was. "Whoever can get the most flags before dropping into the," Foaly had to hold back a small laugh, "water will be our winner. The man and woman with the least flags will be eliminated."

"That doesn't sound so hard," Opal said with a shrug. "Not at all like rigging a Science Fair, am I right Foaly?" The pixie had a strange fire in her eye that the others hadn't seen since the arctic incident.

"It wasn't rigged, I won and you know it." Opal opened her mouth to argue but was quickly restrained by Chix.

"Quiet pretty one," he whispered. "We don't want you to lose your head." Opal was silenced but kept staring at the centaur angrily. Foaly rolled his eyes and looked at the other reluctant contestants.

"We will now randomly draw the order in which you will go," he said as he pulled a hat from behind his back. "In this hat I have written all of your names. We will draw names to decide." The group stared dumbfounded at the centaur. Holly was the one to finally speak up.

"That is your amazing way of drawing names. A hat?"

"Why not?" Foaly said as he reached in to sort. Finally he pulled a name out. "Our first contestant is…" There was an annoying pause like they do on all reality TV shows. "Artemis Fowl."  
  
"Great," Artemis whispered as he walked over to where Foaly was standing. He wasn't really walking though, more like sulking.  
  
"Are there any last words you would like to say to your competitors?" Foaly asked in that TV host way. Artemis let a small smile creep across his face.  
  
"One thing, better first than last." And as he walked off the realization dawned on everyone else.  
  
"D'arvit!" Holly screamed.  
  
After a short period of time that gets cut off by the TV network guys Artemis gets hung up on the shuttle. The other five watch and pass their own judgments.  
  
"He's not going to do it." Holly said, her voice sounded almost hopeful.  
  
"I give him ten seconds." Chix said confidently.  
  
"I give you ten seconds." Holly snapped back at him. Chix shut up.  
  
"Are you ready?" Foaly shouted. Everyone could see Artemis mouthing something at them. Butler pulled a pair of binoculars out and looked over, suddenly he was flinching.  
  
"I think he's ready."  
  
"What'd he say?" Juliet asked.  
  
"You don't want to know."  
  
"We're starting now!" Foaly shouted and waved a yellow flag. Almost instantly a storm started over the helicopter. Opal let an involuntary scream.  
  
"You never said anything about rain!" She shouted at the centaur, and was having to be restrained by Chix at the same time.  
  
"Oh well, hosts always get special privileges." Opal groaned and went back to watching the struggling boy.  
  
Suddenly they all let out a scream as they saw him slip as the helicopter made a very terrifying dip. They also all flinched as they watched him hit his foot on a rock.  
  
After another interesting reality show pause Artemis is standing back with everyone and with a towel around his shoulders. Across his face is a very angry groan. At this point Holly has disappeared as they interview the boy.  
  
"So how is it up there?" Foaly asked.  
  
"Right now I'm searching my mind for any underground assassin's I can find for you." He replied through gritted teeth. Foaly took a few steps away and turned to face Holly.  
  
"Are you ready?" Holly gave a thumbs up and the timer started. After quite a few jerks and turns she finally fell doing a complete back plant on the water. A few minutes passed before her head ever resurfaced.  
  
"I'm going to murder you Foaly!"  
  
After the break you come back to realize Butler and Juliet have already gone (Me: I realize Fear Factor doesn't really do this, but I'm kind of pressed for time now and I want to get to the good stuff.)  
  
"Our tally from right now is Artemis 7 flags, Holly 13, Butler 8, Juliet 9." Foaly said as he took a note in his notepad. "Now it is Chix Verbil's turn. Are you ready?" Chix gave a thumbs up and his time started. When he got his 5th flag Artemis began to realize he was in trouble.  
  
"Hey Foaly, everything goes on this show, right?" Artemis asked. The centaur nodded, never taking his gaze from the helicopter. An evil smile crept across Artemis' face and he cupped his hands around his face. "Hey Chix, Holly just said she loved you!"  
  
Chix dropped instantly. Artemis let an evil smile cross his face again and turned to the group. It was a mistake because at that moment he felt a hand connecting to his stomach. He looked up and saw a very happy Holly over him.  
  
"Totally worth it."  
  
When Chix returned to "his love" Foaly was happily prepared to give him his news. "Chix Verbil, you collected the least flags, I'm sorry to say you are the first down the walk of red hot coals."  
  
"Don't you mean walk of shame?" Butler asked.  
  
"No, I told you already, I get to make up certain rules."  
  
The group watched in amazement as Chix took the walk of red hot coals. It was hard to not laugh. Finally they all turned to watch Opal compete.  
  
A little bit of time passed and she was doing remarkably well, but the driver wasn't. The helicopter jerked around angrily and the girl was thrashed against the sides. Finally the thing that everyone, but Foaly that is, feared happened. The helicopter came crashing down.  
  
"Well, Opal did not beat either of your scores and once the paramedics check if she is still breathing she will take the walk. You all are the lucky few to move on to the next level. I'll see you tomorrow."  
  
And the four remaining contestants walk off leaving the burning rubble behind.


	3. The Eating Stunt

I don't own Fear Factor or Artemis Fowl, there no one can sue me now. Yet again, please no flames.

Also, I'd like to thank the people who reviewed me real quick. The OddBird, I love your work, really funny stuff. TrunkZy, thanks for the awesome reviews, made me feel happy!!! And Angela Dawne, loved your Artemis pregnancy story, keep up the good work!!! There, that is my thanks!

The Eating Stunt  
  
The sun was rising the morning when the second stunt was originally intended to take place. The four remaining contestants anxiously await the arrival of their host for two reasons. The first reason being that they were wondering what the next task would call for, the other reason being that they wanted to know if their competitor had survived. Foaly came trotting into the cramped room they were all waiting in. He had a grim look on his face that was covered by the gleeful giggling he was doing at the thought of their next task. The competitors all sat straight up and took a breath.  
  
"We have good news and bad news, the good news is that Opal survived the crash. The bad news is that our company is now being sued for quite a bit of money due to the crash. Apparently this is the last edition of Fear Factor: LEP edition we'll be able to film for awhile. On the other hand, we still get to finish filming this episode." All of the contestants let out an angry groan.  
  
"Now I'm sure you all want to know what your next stunt is." Foaly said in a mysterious tone. Artemis gave an angry sigh and looked around at the other competitors.  
  
"I'm sure we all have a pretty good idea. In every episode of the real show they always have the water stunt, the eating or bug stunt, and the heights stunt. I figure we'll either be covered in something or we'll be eating something no real beings would want to eat." He said in a bored tone. The centaur gave him an evil look.  
  
"Actually, you'll be doing both." Foaly pulled the giant cloth away to reveal the task. "You'll be covered with a very interesting item and the longer you stay covered the less you have to eat. And wait 'til you see what you'll be eating."  
  
Foaly pulled away another cloth and everyone could see Holly's look of fear and disgust. Foaly gave an evil smirk. "These are poisonous cave-dwelling lynch beetles."  
  
Everyone in the group had the same question; Artemis was the one to ask it. "Poisonous?"  
  
"Yes, my little mud man friend. Poisonous." Foaly picked up one of the beetles and it emitted a greenish smoke. "These beetles not only release a poisonous gas, but they also will cling to the inside of your throat and strangle you. That is where they get their name."  
  
"Um, Foaly?" Holly said. "Didn't the LEP order to have all of these creatures destroyed back when they were created?"  
  
"Well, yes, but I wanted to do some experimenting." He responded. "Don't worry, they aren't that deadly."  
  
The group all looked at each other, as gross as it would be to have some strange substance poured on them it would be better than dying from eating the spider.  
  
"You have to stay covered for a total of twenty minutes to not have to eat any. For each five minutes you stay in one will leave your total. You automatically start with four. Now, we are going to draw names to decide who goes first." Foaly reached his hand into the hat and pulled out a piece of paper. "Our first contestant is…" After another annoying reality TV pause he read the name, it may have also had something to do with the fact that Holly was pushing her gun into the back of his head. "Juliet."  
  
Juliet almost threw up right in front of them. Just the thought of having to eat a poisonous lynch beetle was disgusting. She didn't even want to know what she would be covered in.  
  
After they got Juliet completely tied down to the box they brought out the task. Foaly smiled maliciously and waved to the girl as he announced what was coming.  
  
"Pour the brains!" The first bucket was poured and Juliet freaked out. She could handle anything, but brains were too much.  
  
"Get me out of this thing, get me out!" She screamed. The group of hospital gnomes on the sidelines run out to untie the girl and she is brought over to the group and in front of the poisonous cave-dwelling lynch beetles.  
  
"I'm sorry, you didn't stay in there nearly long enough. You have to eat four of the beetles."  
  
Juliet rolled her eyes and walked over. Butler was the most anxious out of the group as the watched her pick up the first one. The second her hand made contact with the beetle she fell ill. The hospital gnomes rushed to her aid and carted her off. The rest of the group was dumbfounded.  
  
"Well, that was truly unexpected." Foaly said as he turned towards the group. "Now Butler, it's your turn. What will it be?"  
  
"I'm out," the bodyguard said. "I've got to go check on Juliet."  
  
Artemis and Holly both watched anxiously as he ran off to his sister's side. Foaly smiled smugly and turned to the two.  
  
"Well, now you have a choice. Both of you either have to eat one bug or stay in the brains for five minutes. What will it be?"  
  
"Brains," they both shouted simultaneously. It was the first thing they ever agreed on.  
  
"Very well then, Holly, come with me."  
  
Commercial:  
Do you have brain worms? If so contact doctor Kilsyou Fast. You won't feel a thing.  
  
After the commercials it comes back to show Holly strapped to a table with a very murderous look on her face. She used the one arm that wasn't strapped down yet to give Foaly the finger and turned back to laying position. Artemis watched nervously, just waiting to see if she could take it.  
  
Holly could and pretty soon the boy was strapped down. Holly smiled as they poured the first bucket, obviously thinking the same thing as everyone else was, he would not be able to do this.  
  
"I think you are all in for a pleasant surprise." Artemis shouted as the end of the fifth minute came closer. The buzzer rang and Holly shouted a swear. Artemis couldn't help making another comment. "After what I went through in the audience, I can take anything."  
  
Foaly came and interrupted. "So does that mean you'll eat the beetle."  
  
"Not on your life."  
  
"Can't blame me for trying." Foaly shrugged his shoulders and turned back to the camera. "When we return next time we'll be doing the big one. The deciding stunt. Who will win? Who is the fear factor?"  
  
"Will Foaly survive?" Holly shouted from the distance.  
  
"Shut up Holly, thanks for tuning in. Join us next time on the final edition of Fear Factor: LEP edition."


	4. The Final Stunt

Thanks for all your wonderful reviews, I would thank each person individually, but I don't have the time right now. You all know who you are, you great great people. This is the final installment of Fear Factor: LEP Edition, it's been a great run you guys! You're all great!  
  
Also, I don't own Artemis Fowl or Fear Factor or any other reference in this fic. Enjoy! (No flames!)  
  
The Final Stunt  
  
When the scene comes back you see Foaly talking on a futuristic cell phone that has yet to be released above ground. Holly and Artemis are standing in the back mocking him. It is the first time the two have ever done something as a group (willingly that is.)  
  
Foaly cast an evil look their way and continued talking. "Don't worry, Julius. Opal and Juliet are using the same lawyer, this case will be over pretty quickly. What? They're threatening to what? Look, the show's back on, I've got to go." Foaly hangs up the miniature phone and turns back in time to see Holly using her hand to do the 'blah blah blah' hand signal.  
  
"Could we please act like grown ups and get back to the show?" Foaly said to the two. They each glared at him and he sneered right back at them before turning back to the camera.  
  
"Welcome back to Fear Factor: LEP edition. Today's the day of our final competition and our last competitors are Artemis and Holly. Congratulations you two," Foaly said sincerely. "For surviving this far." That comment set off Artemis and Holly.  
  
"What do you mean by surviving?" Holly said.  
  
"And what do you mean by this far?" Artemis interjected.  
  
"Now, let's get on to the stunt." Foaly said, ignoring the two. Artemis and Holly roll there eyes and turn to face the giant pool behind them. A giant metal bar slowly moved from the ceiling.  
  
"You two will each be hanging from this bar," Foaly said. Artemis and Holly both breathed a sigh of relief and Foaly smiled. "While we pour hyperactive scorpions on your hands."  
  
"Foaly," Holly said warningly. Her hand was rested on her Neutrino.  
  
"Okay, okay." Foaly turned away from the two. "Cancel the scorpion idea!" Foaly turned back to the camera. "Okay, you will be hanging from that bar and if you fall you land in piranha infested waters!" Holly slowly pulled the Neutrino from his holster.  
  
"Fine!!! Fine, you'll be hanging from that bar and whoever stays the longest will win. There, are you happy?" Foaly said. Artemis and Holly looked at each other and nodded. "Now, what if we throw the scorpions at you?"  
  
"NO!"  
  
"Okay, okay."  
  
An hour had past and the two were finally in their places. Foaly was pouting on the ground and would occasionally pass an evil look at the two. Holly smiled sweetly at him as they lowered the platform from under the two's feet.  
  
"Thank you Foaly."  
  
Foaly grumbled his reply, which sounded stunningly like "nobody respects my talents around here."  
  
Another hour had past and Artemis and Holly were finally starting to get tired. Artemis was wracking his mind trying to find some way to get the girl to drop. Kicking wasn't allowed, besides that he kicked like a three year old so it probably wouldn't hurt, and he couldn't move or he would fall.  
  
Holly had finished coming up with her plan, she was just trying to find the courage to complete it. She took a deep breath and leaned in towards Artemis.  
  
Artemis turned to face the girl, unaware of what she was about to do.  
  
At that moment Holly kissed him, right on the lips.  
  
And Artemis slipped.  
  
Foaly on the other hand was going crazy on the ground. It was the funniest thing to happen, and he hadn't even made it happen. "Congratulations Holly, you're the winner of our show. Come on, guys, lower her to the ground."  
  
A very happy Holly was lowered to the ground and walked over to stand next to Foaly. Foaly smiled and said his famous words. "Congratulations, you didn't die."  
  
"Thanks," Holly said. "So what do I win?"  
  
"Win? You got out of work for four days and you want a prize!" Said a very shocked Foaly. Holly leaned in with an incredulous look on her face. In the background Artemis came over with the same look.  
  
"Are you saying that we went through all of this and there was never even a prize." Holly said, her voice murderous. Foaly nodded weakly and Holly turned to Artemis with a smile. "Artemis, could you take the show to credits while I deal with him."  
  
Foaly then got the smart idea to start running. Holly was close behind him. Artemis turns to the camera with a smile.  
  
"This is Artemis Fowl filling in for the late Foaly the centaur. I just want to let you know that the stunts performed on this show were not done by professionals, but we did have some fun. Tune in next time for…" Artemis was cut off by a girly scream in the back and he couldn't help but smile. Holly can be heard shouting "get your butt over here you pompous little…"  
  
"Tune in next time for Fear Factor: LEP edition…"  
  
"Holly, NO!!!"  
  
"That is if there is one!"  
  
(So, did everyone enjoy the funny antics of our contestants? Read, review, no flames!) 


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